Family Values

Department Store Manager: Do you like children?

Homer (applying for job as store Santa): What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

Bart: Oh, Dad, can we keep him? [referring to Santa's Little Helper]

Homer: But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's ... a Simpson.

Lisa (playing Scrabble with Homer and Bart): 'Id', triple-word score!

Homer: No abbreviations.

Lisa: Not I.D., Dad, 'id'. It's a word!

Bart: As in 'This game is stoop-id.'

Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen?

School Psychiatrist: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity and environment. ... [looking at Homer] ... Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.

Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.

Homer: Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

Homer: Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure ... [counts the coins] ... not even close.

Homer (separating Bart and Lisa who are fighting): Hey! What's the problem here?

Lisa: We were fighting over who loves you more.

Homer: You were? Aah ... Well, go ahead. [releases them]

Bart: You love him more.

Lisa: No you do!

Mr Burns (welcoming families to the company picnic): Make yourselves at home.

Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

Woman at company picnic: I don't know who to love more ... My son Joshua who's captain of the football team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker, but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?

Homer(saying Grace): Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French ... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did ... you're everywhere, you're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family? Marge and the kids: Amen!

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Lisa: The sad truth is, all families are like us.

Homer (observing a 'normal' family): Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.

Bart: No belching.

Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!

Marge: Look! Napkins!

Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

Homer: All right, time for a family meeting. [switching off the TV]

Lisa: Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?

Homer (suggesting the family see a family guidance counsellor): Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.

Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the supreme sacrifice.

Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!

Bart: Aw come on, Dad, anything but that!

Homer: If Homer Simpson wants his 10-year old son to work in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten year old son is going to work in a burlesque house.

Homer: Oh, my God! Space aliens! Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer: OK Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Lisa: But, Mom! If you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.

Bart: Really, what kind of robots?

Homer: Lisa, get in here. In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: What's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV - it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.

Lisa: No offence Dad but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.

Homer: But I was using my whole ass.

Homer: Now I've got to go and do some serious thinking.

Bart: I'm sure he meant to say 'serious drinking'.

Lisa: That's what I thought.

Homer: Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Homer: Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.

Homer: You can't blame all of Bart's problems on that one little speech. If anything made him turn bad it was that time you let him wear swimming trunks instead of underwear. And let's not forget you little speech.

Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!

Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

Homer: No, that would make me a great father.

Bart: Hey, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?

Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

Chief Wiggum: Ralph! You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with Daddy's forbidden closet of mystery?

Homer: I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?