Moe (greeting a policeman who has walked into the bar): Eddie! Would you like some pretzels?
Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though.
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Marge (to Bart) : You know your father wanted to be a police officer but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No the army said I was too heavy, the police said I was too dumb.
Gary Busey: Now Joe can't come within 500 feet of Mary. He also can't call her, or burn his name in gas on her lawn. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Joe is me and Mary is a composite of twelve different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn't deal with me, because I'm too real.
Bart: Hey, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
Marge: That reminds me of something my uncle Charlie used to say - 'Shoot them all and let God decide'. Unfortunately, one day he decided to put his theory into practice and it took 10 state patrolmen to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of this again.
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